Halloween Distress

So here it is, Halloween and the fall flies on.  Life sure is an interesting thing.  Weird that my biggest fear is dying, but I can't help but wondering what the point of my life is right now.  Have I really ever known?  I used to be so certain about wanting to be an art teacher and thought that would give my life meaning.  The experiences I've had doing those things have discouraged me.

Monday I start a job in an office.  I'm not in a service job for the first time in my life.  Sometimes I wonder if this job will move me to an understanding of what I'm supposed to do.  Will I ever find clarity?  Will I ever be content with my job?  I despise those people that exclaim, "I love my job!"  Why can't I feel that way?  Will I ever?  I can't imagine living with a job like the one I had last year.  I go from one ill-contented place to another.

Maybe I'm not made for jobs.  I worry that I'm doomed for a future with no money, hoarding possessions and animals.  I'm sicken myself thinking that I'll end up in the financial situation that my parents are in.  I'm worried that I'm destined to be unsuccessful.  I had a taste of a job that paid well and it was the worst experience I've ever had.  Do all jobs that pay well make a person miserable?  That can't be true.  Why does my jealousy of other people doing well burn inside me sometimes?

The funny thing is that I was raised to think that working hard and being nice would actually get me somewhere.  Work hard, be nice.  The motto of the hellhole I worked at last year.  I worked hard.  I was nice.  Working hard left me biting my nails until they were bleeding and a loss of ten pounds because of the stress I was under.  Being nice left me with students insulting me on a daily basis and making me feel like nice was the worst thing anyone could ever be.  I appreciate my kindness, but it still hasn't done much to get me very far.

So here again I find myself overloaded financially and wondering which is worse, anxiety from a terribly stressful job that pays well, or anxiety from a lack of finances.  My mental state has been mostly recovered from the last year, so that makes me think that financial crisis is a better anxiety than being bullied by fifteen year old students.

So here I am, hoping and begging for a job that makes me exclaim, "I love my job." Or even, "I like my job."  or "My job's alright."  Someday I hope that happens.  I hope that happens someday.  Until that day I will continue focusing on the aspects my life that have nothing to do with employment.

TV

A list of my favorite shows right now in no particular order:

1. Freaks and Geeks
2. Sherlock
3. New Girl
4. Raising Hope
5. King of The Hill
6. Roseanne
7. Dog Whisperer
8. Animal Cops
9. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
10. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee ( Youtube Show )