Consider it.

I consider doing things a lot. Mostly, I find myself daydreaming but I'm too cautious to go for a lot of the things I consider. Here's a list of things I consider that I either am not brave enough or haven't gotten around to for other reasons. 

1. Get a tattoo.  Too cliche? I want Walter and Zheek (guinea pig love) on my bod. My dream is to get a tat of all the guinea pigs I ever own. I've also considered to get all the states I've lived in. Too nervous to make that commitment. And when I'm 80 it'll be a potato. But I guess that's not so bad.  Potatoes are tasty.



2.Get a doggie! Unfortunately, I made a pact that we wouldn't get one until after we're married. And I worry about a dog getting along with the pigs. If a dog harmed my piggies, I would hate it for eternity.
 


3. Dye my hairs.  It's gotten more dishwater-esque in the last two years. Because I'm not as into the sun as I was in college, I don't get those natural blonde highlights that I used to. I dunno. I don't have the guts to go for it.

4. Pierce somethaaaang.  Maybe just the other earhole that grew shut.  Maybe pierce my nose.  Is that even cool?  I'm probs way too old for that business. 

 

5.  Buy a House.  I want an old house that's been redone. Preferably in my hood.  Preferably with a beauty of a yard.  And a cute bungalow style.  Real expensive here.  But so cute. I will never be able to afford that biz.
 

List (less)

I have so many friends with goals and ambitions who are accomplishing things.  Big jobs, grad school, becoming homebuyers, having babes, getting their shit together. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong.  I am mostly extremely jealous..not of the babies.  I don't want babies. 

Here I am.  Getting haircuts that look good on the first day (It hasn't looked that good since the dude styled it) and living an unemployed life.  Doesn't sound so bad?  Nawwwwww..I guess it's really not. I do a lot of baking and reading and not nearly enough artmaking. But I feel like I used to have ambitions and goals other than just wanting a job to pay bills.  Growing up=jaded Headless Hopeless. Right now I'm kinda aimless other than that whole pay the bills/have cute guinea pigs thing.

I can't even finish this job app for a job that I should get soon without stressing too much.  I overthink every sentence.  I hang on what they might wanna hear.  I get too nervous over these dumb things. I worry too much that I'm not good enough for any job.  I'm not THAT qualified.  But I'm not NOT that qualified.  

Its a whirlwind in the old Hauk' Head.

Another list to encourage myself.
1. GROW THAT SELF CONFIDENCE
2.  CHANNEL YOUR INNER "DUDE"
3.  LOVE YOURSELF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY

=Good things will happen....RIGHT? RIGHT! ( I think)

Dog

I want a dog so bad.  Most people get baby crazy.  I'm just dog crazy.  My latest obsession is the Airedale Terrier. 

Halloween Distress

So here it is, Halloween and the fall flies on.  Life sure is an interesting thing.  Weird that my biggest fear is dying, but I can't help but wondering what the point of my life is right now.  Have I really ever known?  I used to be so certain about wanting to be an art teacher and thought that would give my life meaning.  The experiences I've had doing those things have discouraged me.

Monday I start a job in an office.  I'm not in a service job for the first time in my life.  Sometimes I wonder if this job will move me to an understanding of what I'm supposed to do.  Will I ever find clarity?  Will I ever be content with my job?  I despise those people that exclaim, "I love my job!"  Why can't I feel that way?  Will I ever?  I can't imagine living with a job like the one I had last year.  I go from one ill-contented place to another.

Maybe I'm not made for jobs.  I worry that I'm doomed for a future with no money, hoarding possessions and animals.  I'm sicken myself thinking that I'll end up in the financial situation that my parents are in.  I'm worried that I'm destined to be unsuccessful.  I had a taste of a job that paid well and it was the worst experience I've ever had.  Do all jobs that pay well make a person miserable?  That can't be true.  Why does my jealousy of other people doing well burn inside me sometimes?

The funny thing is that I was raised to think that working hard and being nice would actually get me somewhere.  Work hard, be nice.  The motto of the hellhole I worked at last year.  I worked hard.  I was nice.  Working hard left me biting my nails until they were bleeding and a loss of ten pounds because of the stress I was under.  Being nice left me with students insulting me on a daily basis and making me feel like nice was the worst thing anyone could ever be.  I appreciate my kindness, but it still hasn't done much to get me very far.

So here again I find myself overloaded financially and wondering which is worse, anxiety from a terribly stressful job that pays well, or anxiety from a lack of finances.  My mental state has been mostly recovered from the last year, so that makes me think that financial crisis is a better anxiety than being bullied by fifteen year old students.

So here I am, hoping and begging for a job that makes me exclaim, "I love my job." Or even, "I like my job."  or "My job's alright."  Someday I hope that happens.  I hope that happens someday.  Until that day I will continue focusing on the aspects my life that have nothing to do with employment.

TV

A list of my favorite shows right now in no particular order:

1. Freaks and Geeks
2. Sherlock
3. New Girl
4. Raising Hope
5. King of The Hill
6. Roseanne
7. Dog Whisperer
8. Animal Cops
9. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
10. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee ( Youtube Show )

 

"I wish I had a Heather."

Thanks, Urban Dictionary.  You made my night.

HEATHER:  A name only given to the best of the best. Heather is honest, down to earth and straight-up amazing. Often underestimated, she pushes to succeed. She may not always live up to your expectations but you learn to live with it. She's very underappreciated until you realize what she does for everyone. Everyone loves this girl except a select few who want to make everything bad for her. Once you're a good friend of Heather's, you'll never want to leave her side. But she'll never leave yours either. She has many boys wanting her but she's not the type to brag about it. Not a whore but definitely not innocent. Her private life is known only to her closest friends. Heather's are beautiful, passionate, humorous, charismatic, lively girls with a contagious smile that will make your day. You don't want to lose her. To say she's amazing would be an understatement.  "I wish I had a Heather."

List-en.

I'm a big fan of lists.  I've been writing lists for ages.  These lists usually find themselves in one of my notebooks for me to recall later.  Usually when I find them, they're half crossed out if even that.  I'm not the kind of person who writes lists to finish crossing them off. 

Those lists are the kind of lists my sister adores.  She loves completing lists.  I remember one time I saw a list of hers where taking a shower and eating supper were included.  This is how much she loves making lists and completing the tasks on them.

Me, I'm a list writer.  I have pages and pages of lists from college that I later decided would make a good art piece.  I'm sure making that piece of work is in a list somewhere.  Sometimes looking back at these lists dampens my spirits because I realize how much I really didn't accomplish after all. 

Why do I even make lists if I'm not crossing them off?  For me it's more of a way to lay out the contents of this mottled brain of mine.  I haven't made any lists in quite a time so perhaps that is why I find myself on this evening, rambling on and on about lists.  I bet you can guess what's coming.  Yep, a little list. 

I've decided to start out with a list for this blog.  My other blog was artwork.  This blog will be life ramblings.   I don't know if I really want anyone to read it or if it will serve more as a journaling tool.  I don't wanna be one of those annoying people who blogs all high and mighty.  Nope, just trying to say a little something to get it out of my brain.  I also secretly aspire to be one of those awesome bloggers who have got it going on.  I mean, I love those blogs that have me crying at the end of every post.  I love words but don't have that finesse.  I'm okay with that, I really am.

Now I will have to decide what list will start this new blog of mine. 

AHHH....got it.  Pretty standard, but here goes. 

10 Things I want to do by the time I'm 30 (or anytime):

1. Travel: My best gal, Eli and I have been talking about an escapade to Europe or some adventurous country.  I need to make this happen.  I love traveling, and spending time in Italy with her was one of my favorite life memories so far.  I would also love to go to Iceland on a honeymoon trip.  I want to bask in the Blue Lagoon, listen to Sigur Ros and mingle with the locals. 

2. Make More Art: This will always be on my list. Right now it should just say make art, ANY ART.  The most recent thing I've made was a drawing of a pigeon for my darling friend, Cece.  I'm sure in another post I'll ramble about my thoughts on art right now so I won't go in depth. 

3. Figure Out What Career I like: I'm having a major quarter life (plus a year) crisis when it comes to jobs/careers/life plans.  I will also talk about this in the future.  Jobs are hard and confusing and stressful.  I'd love to have that figured out. 

4.  Run a 10k or Half Marathon:  I have never been a "runner."  I run to stay fit and have a hard time keeping it consistent.  The furthest I've ever run was when I was training for a Dam to Dam that I never ended up running.  Seven miles was the pinnacle.  I like to picture all my DSM friends running the Dam to Dam together at some point in the next five years.  But traveling back for 80/35 was so much fun.  I feel like that should also be a yearly trip. 

5.  Love Myself More:  Ok, this is a weird one to make the list.  I still have to make conscious effort to make this happen.  I need to work on giving myself credit for the good things I do. I need to give myself the love that I need.  The only way I'll gain confidence is by being good to me.  Mantra time.

6.  Get Married:  I've got a badass fiance who I just can't get enough of.  I long for us both to have jobs that pay the bills and make us fairly happy so we can start building up some cash flow for a wedding.  We are both getting pretty excited about the whole husband and wife thing so we'd like that to happen within the next two years. 

7.  Stay in Better Touch With Friends:  I'm a terrible phonecall maker.  I'm the kind of person that feeds off of nonverbal cues.  I'm a nodder and a smiler.  I can't convey those things over the phone.  I interrupt because I don't want awkward pauses and cant see when the other person is about to speak.  I've never been one for phone conversations.  I used to get myself in a tizzy just contemplating ordering a pizza.  I'm pro now, but I still would rather videochat or send a card.  I'm bad at timely card sending too.  It's hard having all my friends long-distance because It's all I've got.  I must be better with staying in touch whether it's emails, the dreaded phonecall or snail mail. 

8.  Save Money:  My impending unemployment taught me a really good lesson in saving.  I realized how much I could save up in just a couple months by setting a little aside.  I'm an all-out binge kinda girl so the idea of setting a little bit aside each month was foreign to my wild brain.  Noah is a wise and frugal man and I appreciate that order.  I now look forward to having a job so that I can start putting more away to be able to do some of the other things on this list.

9.  Be Happy:  Cheeseball?  Yeah.  That's me.  Sometimes my personality contradicts itself.  I am pretty chill and calm on the outside, but on the inside I'm a hot hot mess.  I find myself worrying about way too many things.  That's why I added be happy.  Maybe it should say chill out.  Either way, it will be a reminder to take a breath, step back and focus on the positive. 

10.  Visit Family (and give them a break):  It's really easy to be critical of my family.  I love them to death but they (me included) are an interesting clan to say the least.  I want to visit them as much as possible without us driving each other crazy. 


Ok, those are the ten points of my list.  Ten very vague points.  I'm sure I missed some big thing but that's a starting point for this blog to develop on.